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Entry tags:
Summa cum Snake [HP gen]
Title: Summa cum Snake
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing/Characters: Harry & Ginny & Teddy, the Hogwarts professors
Rating: G
Word Count: 924
Chapter Count: 1 / 1
Summary: Due to a gentle readjustment of the canon timeline, Harry goes into the Chamber of Secrets before exams hit and consequently misses them completely (while battling a giant snake). This has academic repercussions at Hogwarts that last generations. Crack fusion with a FAQ: The snake fight portion of your thesis defense.
"This is so unbelievably stupid!" Teddy raged as he stormed into the breakfast room of 12 Grimmauld Place with all the considerable drama inherent to all teenagers.
"I agree completely," said Harry, not looking up from where he sat at the table reading the newspaper in his pyjamas.
Ginny squinted at Teddy from behind the giant mug of coffee that she was cradling in both hands. "How did you get inside?"
Teddy ignored them both. "How does it make any sense? What exactly is it supposed to demonstrate about my abilities?"
"You're right. It's terrible," said Harry, turning the page.
"What are we talking about exactly?" asked Ginny.
"The snake fight portion of the OWLs!" said Teddy. "Obviously!"
"Er," said Harry, finally distracted from the paper. He carefully didn't make eye contact with his godson.
"Why do I need to fight a stupid snake? Grandma said she didn't need to do it! What idiot came up with this, anyway?"
"... Yeah," said Harry cagily. "Crazy, that is."
Ginny smiled at him sweetly—which is to say, with all her teeth bared. "Yes, Harry. I wonder."
Teddy frowned at them suspiciously. "Do I want to know?"
"No," said Harry.
"Yes," said Ginny.
"Right," said Teddy, nodding to himself. He joined them at the breakfast table. "Tell me or else," he said solemnly.
"You heard the dear, Harry." Ginny blinked at him innocently. "Explain to your godson why he has to fight a snake as part of his exam qualifications."
The truth of the matter was that it really wasn't Harry's fault.
Say that you're a kid, right, a mostly innocent 12-year old kid, and you're supposed to take your exams, but your friend has just been petrified and your other friend's extremely irritating younger sister has been kidnapped. And then you learn that it's a giant snake that did it. Well, not the kidnapping, but, you know. Anyway, you have to do something about it, right? Are your exams really worth someone else's life?
"Aunt Hermione would say yes."
"Well, good thing she was the one petrified, isn't it?"
So Harry had done his duty for his fellow humans, but in doing so, he missed his exams. The petrified students were all given the opportunity to take their exams later in the summer, but in Harry's case—
"Honestly, Severus! The boy fought a basilisk and survived! Surely you can't seriously be suggesting that he be required to take his exams!"
"A basilisk," sighed Rubeus dreamily.
"Minerva, he survived through dumb luck," said Severus. "Emphasis on dumb."
Septima rolled her eyes. "Yes, Severus, we all heard your carefully enunciated stress on the word."
"Are you suggesting that I give the boy a passing grade in my class—you recall that I teach Potions—based on his undocumented performance in a snake fight?" Severus paused. "Of course," he said smoothly, "If I were teaching Defence instead…"
"Ah, but you are such an excellent Potion's Master! How could we suffer your absence? Lemon drop, anyone?"
Minerva ignored the candy. "I am simply stating that to win a battle against a basilisk requires a degree of practical excellence that far outweighs any kind of assessment that could be conducted in a classroom."
"Perhaps," said Septima. "But it hardly demonstrates his mastery of The Standard Book of Spells, does it?"
"His performance in his classes up to now has been exemplary!" said Filius. "I'm certain no one is suggesting that we discount his more, er, conventional spellwork in our grading, but perhaps we could simply waive his exams when preparing his class reports?"
Severus sneered. "Certainly. Why not? Why have Potter study like his peers when he can just kill a snake instead?"
"For Merlin's sake, Severus, you can hardly compare a basilisk to your average garden snake!"
Septima hummed noncommittally. "Even so, this wasn't an equal-opportunity event. I cannot and will not support what is effectively an alternative exam format with no equivalency measures and that is only available to a single student."
"Yes," said Albus. "I have to agree."
Minerva and Filius frowned but nodded grudgingly. Severus smirked.
"To show our dedication to treating our students fairly, we'll have to include snake fighting as a regular part of the curriculum," Albus continued, brightening.
Sybil fainted. Minerva, Filius, and Severus were stunned into silence.
Septima burst out laughing.
—and so Harry ended up not having to take his Second Year final exams.
"Anyway," Harry told Teddy consolingly, "it's not like you have to take the snake fight portion every year like they were initially planning. Just for your OWLs and NEWTs. And if you perform fairly well on your written exams, it's generally a pretty small snake. Your Aunt 'Mione ended up fighting garter snakes."
"I hate you," said Teddy.
"Quite right," said Ginny.
Harry glared at Ginny. "Oh, piss off. Didn't you fight a green anaconda for your OWLs just so you could opt out of your History of Magic exam?"
"Yes, it was brilliant," said Ginny. "I still have the scars."
"Isn't this kind of anti-Slytherin?" Teddy continued. "I mean, their symbol is a snake. We have to fight snakes. Seems a bit en pointe?"
"I seem to recall a petition to allow Slytherin students to battle lions, now that you mention it," said Ginny.
"I would have paid to watch Malfoy fight a lion," said Harry, and he and Ginny laughed.
Teddy stared at them. "This is so unbelievably stupid."
-END-
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing/Characters: Harry & Ginny & Teddy, the Hogwarts professors
Rating: G
Word Count: 924
Chapter Count: 1 / 1
Summary: Due to a gentle readjustment of the canon timeline, Harry goes into the Chamber of Secrets before exams hit and consequently misses them completely (while battling a giant snake). This has academic repercussions at Hogwarts that last generations. Crack fusion with a FAQ: The snake fight portion of your thesis defense.
"This is so unbelievably stupid!" Teddy raged as he stormed into the breakfast room of 12 Grimmauld Place with all the considerable drama inherent to all teenagers.
"I agree completely," said Harry, not looking up from where he sat at the table reading the newspaper in his pyjamas.
Ginny squinted at Teddy from behind the giant mug of coffee that she was cradling in both hands. "How did you get inside?"
Teddy ignored them both. "How does it make any sense? What exactly is it supposed to demonstrate about my abilities?"
"You're right. It's terrible," said Harry, turning the page.
"What are we talking about exactly?" asked Ginny.
"The snake fight portion of the OWLs!" said Teddy. "Obviously!"
"Er," said Harry, finally distracted from the paper. He carefully didn't make eye contact with his godson.
"Why do I need to fight a stupid snake? Grandma said she didn't need to do it! What idiot came up with this, anyway?"
"... Yeah," said Harry cagily. "Crazy, that is."
Ginny smiled at him sweetly—which is to say, with all her teeth bared. "Yes, Harry. I wonder."
Teddy frowned at them suspiciously. "Do I want to know?"
"No," said Harry.
"Yes," said Ginny.
"Right," said Teddy, nodding to himself. He joined them at the breakfast table. "Tell me or else," he said solemnly.
"You heard the dear, Harry." Ginny blinked at him innocently. "Explain to your godson why he has to fight a snake as part of his exam qualifications."
The truth of the matter was that it really wasn't Harry's fault.
Say that you're a kid, right, a mostly innocent 12-year old kid, and you're supposed to take your exams, but your friend has just been petrified and your other friend's extremely irritating younger sister has been kidnapped. And then you learn that it's a giant snake that did it. Well, not the kidnapping, but, you know. Anyway, you have to do something about it, right? Are your exams really worth someone else's life?
"Aunt Hermione would say yes."
"Well, good thing she was the one petrified, isn't it?"
So Harry had done his duty for his fellow humans, but in doing so, he missed his exams. The petrified students were all given the opportunity to take their exams later in the summer, but in Harry's case—
"Honestly, Severus! The boy fought a basilisk and survived! Surely you can't seriously be suggesting that he be required to take his exams!"
"A basilisk," sighed Rubeus dreamily.
"Minerva, he survived through dumb luck," said Severus. "Emphasis on dumb."
Septima rolled her eyes. "Yes, Severus, we all heard your carefully enunciated stress on the word."
"Are you suggesting that I give the boy a passing grade in my class—you recall that I teach Potions—based on his undocumented performance in a snake fight?" Severus paused. "Of course," he said smoothly, "If I were teaching Defence instead…"
"Ah, but you are such an excellent Potion's Master! How could we suffer your absence? Lemon drop, anyone?"
Minerva ignored the candy. "I am simply stating that to win a battle against a basilisk requires a degree of practical excellence that far outweighs any kind of assessment that could be conducted in a classroom."
"Perhaps," said Septima. "But it hardly demonstrates his mastery of The Standard Book of Spells, does it?"
"His performance in his classes up to now has been exemplary!" said Filius. "I'm certain no one is suggesting that we discount his more, er, conventional spellwork in our grading, but perhaps we could simply waive his exams when preparing his class reports?"
Severus sneered. "Certainly. Why not? Why have Potter study like his peers when he can just kill a snake instead?"
"For Merlin's sake, Severus, you can hardly compare a basilisk to your average garden snake!"
Septima hummed noncommittally. "Even so, this wasn't an equal-opportunity event. I cannot and will not support what is effectively an alternative exam format with no equivalency measures and that is only available to a single student."
"Yes," said Albus. "I have to agree."
Minerva and Filius frowned but nodded grudgingly. Severus smirked.
"To show our dedication to treating our students fairly, we'll have to include snake fighting as a regular part of the curriculum," Albus continued, brightening.
Sybil fainted. Minerva, Filius, and Severus were stunned into silence.
Septima burst out laughing.
—and so Harry ended up not having to take his Second Year final exams.
"Anyway," Harry told Teddy consolingly, "it's not like you have to take the snake fight portion every year like they were initially planning. Just for your OWLs and NEWTs. And if you perform fairly well on your written exams, it's generally a pretty small snake. Your Aunt 'Mione ended up fighting garter snakes."
"I hate you," said Teddy.
"Quite right," said Ginny.
Harry glared at Ginny. "Oh, piss off. Didn't you fight a green anaconda for your OWLs just so you could opt out of your History of Magic exam?"
"Yes, it was brilliant," said Ginny. "I still have the scars."
"Isn't this kind of anti-Slytherin?" Teddy continued. "I mean, their symbol is a snake. We have to fight snakes. Seems a bit en pointe?"
"I seem to recall a petition to allow Slytherin students to battle lions, now that you mention it," said Ginny.
"I would have paid to watch Malfoy fight a lion," said Harry, and he and Ginny laughed.
Teddy stared at them. "This is so unbelievably stupid."